Russian Roulette
by Chrysus
Summary: Life's a game of chance; professional hitman L Lawliet knows this well. Add artist Light Yagami, along with Beyond Birthday, Mello, Matt, and Near… well. The odds certainly aren't in L's favor. At this rate, he'll be taking the bullet on his first turn.
1. Prologue

AN: Okaaaay, it's story time! This is explosively AU, LxLight (with Beyond Birthday thrown in, not quite a threesome, but...you'll see. -.-) and MattxMello (and Near along side), with cameos from a good part of the cast. I was originally going to post a long chapter, but I decided on posting smaller chapters more frequently. That's a good thing, right?  
Everyone might be a bit out of character, but it's AU and sort of a comedy, so that's to be expected. Rated M for language and future content. *waggles eyebrows* Okay...maybe not _that_ kind of content...I haven't decided yet.  
This has been beta'd by the amazing Dlvvanzor. Check out her great stories!  
Every fic has it's mistakes; constructive criticism is well-recieved, as is praise. XD Enjoy the first installment of _Russian Roulette_.

The only disclaimer for the story: I do not own any copywrited material that may appear in this fic.

* * *

**Prologue:**  
**In which L runs out of cake and hates socks.**

In most cases, L Lawliet could keep up his end of a conversation.

"Did you hear me?"

In most cases, he had a fairly large supply of diabetes-inducing sweets piled around.

_I think I'm out of cake again._

This wasn't one of those cases.

"Hello?"

_I always seem to be out of cake. One day I'll just go out and by an entire bakery._

A sigh. "You're not listening, are you."

_That'd be nice. I wonder why I haven't done that before. I could have strawberry cake…_

"Hel-_lo_?" An irritated growl. "So help me, if you're thinking about cake again…"

_Cheesecake…_

An exasperated huff of air crackled through L's laptop speakers. "I don't understand why I keep coming back to you. There's plenty of others willing to do the job… is anything I say going to reach you?"

_Chocolate cake…_

"I eat puppies?"

Thoughtful silence on the other line.

"I'm going to become a radical terrorist?"

Silence.

Growl. "I have a fetish for _men in drag_?" Actually, that one was true.

Startled blink. "Your hobbies are _not_ my business, Domni."

Bang. _Bang. __Bang._

"It sounds like you are slamming your head into something. You really shouldn't do that."

There was a calculated pause accompanied by deep breaths. 'In…out…in…'

"But really, Domni? Men in drag? I've always had my suspicions, but…"

'Fucking _out!_' "I am not going to grace that comment with a response." He could practically hear the other man laughing quietly, and made a valiant effort to regain his composure. "Now that we're _paying attention_, I gave you a name, L. Soichiro Yagami. Remember who he is?"

_No. No, I do not, because I am too busy thinking about my alarming lack of cake._

"L?"

"Not now. I am in the middle of the grieving process."

"Grieving… grieving _what_?"

"My cake."

"_What?_"

"I am not one for swearing, but the gravity of the situation requires it: _I have no fucking cake_."

"Would you please try focusing for a few milliseconds?"

L, crouched on the floor in an empty room save a laptop and a few stray cake plates, rifled through his mental files to place a face to the name. Yagami… oh, right. Middle-aged man, Glasses, funny-looking mustache. Seriously. Creepy mustache. "Chief of police, Kanto region?" He grimaced as the words left his mouth. Ooh, that was a mistake. He shouldn't have made it sound like a question. He had to sound sure of himself, because—

"Should be easy enough, especially for you." The voice came through on the laptop's speakers, interrupting the man's thoughts and sounding almost indifferent as it suggested the demise of one of Japan's most well-known police officers. "L, the famous assassin?"

—Because he was a _professional_.

"There are some forty million people in the Kanto region; finding one man among the masses is not an easy task. My fee remains the same as ever, Domni," L said, the dryness in his voice lost through the effects of the voice scrambler.

He leaned over a bit and picked up some cake crumbs with the tip of his finger, then brought the finger to his mouth. Just the few bits of sweet cake brought him relief, and L let out a sigh of pleasure.

…Yes, it was weird.

And yet L would insist he was one of the most normal human beings around.

He chose to ignore the fact that one of the only people he had to compare himself to was a rather psychotic thief known as Beyond Birthday.

"Fair enough," Domni said easily, knowing better than to press the situation. The last time he tried to negotiate the price, the assassin had, well, thrown a fit to rival a spoiled child. So he moved on to the next matter. "When will the job be done?"

"Within 48 hours, after I receive my… compensation, of course." Yes, payment. L wasn't greedy– for the most part– but why not make money doing something you enjoyed? Because he certainly found a thrill in his occupation, if one would call it that. He'd been responsible for the deaths of enough people (rich, famous, and the like) that the _police_ had gotten involved.

It would be quite entertaining to kill the police chief after he had held a press conference, barely two weeks ago, promising to capture L.

Well, perhaps not entertaining to _kill_. That would be over with the pull of a trigger, a blow to the head, whatever method he decided to use. (_Like,_ _Colonel Mustard in the freaking Conservatory with the Lead Pipe_.) The thrill came from the planning, actually; L had always enjoyed a battle of the minds. No, it would be entertaining to see the _aftermath_. The media would have a field day with it.

"I think I should wait to pay you until after I see that it was _you_ who killed him," Domni said lightly. "We don't want another Recoya incident, do we?"

"Don't talk down to me," L replied coldly, masking his irritation. He was annoyed to feel heat rise to his cheeks.

Domni had been reminding the killer of the screw-up every chance he had. The last time he had "hired" L, his target, Recoya, had been murdered just before L was able to fire his gun from the roof of a nearby building. Recoya had collapsed out of nowhere, declared dead by _poison dart_. Utterly humiliating. Someone had found out L's mission and had carried it out before he could. That was _his_ target, dammit.

If he had a nickel for every time something like _that_ happened…

Well, he'd have just the one nickel, actually.

Insert sweatdrop here.

Still, the whole thing was kind of grating on his nerves.

"Relax. Just get the job done, and you can keep your money this time. Expect the deposit to be made in a few hours." With that, he cut the connection, leaving the assassin fuming. Why did he subject himself to such talk from the man?

'_Because he's the only one who actually pays you on time?_'

Oh. That's right.

At least L could trust him. Not that Domni had anything against him: he didn't know his real name, his location, nor his appearance, which was basically how L liked it. The only correspondence he had with his clients was through computer, where L used a voice scrambler. After being deemed trustworthy and performing a full background check, L would permit a person to tell him the name of their desired kill. Then, after some research, L would state a price, no negotiations, depending on the person and location.

L would receive payment, and clients would receive a guarantee:

A kill.

Every time.

As a constant of L's, Domni received the same price for all of his requests. The killer had done six- soon to be seven- jobs for the man.

Now… which matter to be attended to first: the chief, or this new threat? If he didn't follow through with his mission this time, L was likely to lose his credibility, and, with it, his clients. If he could only figure out who it was that killed Recoya…

For what felt like the hundredth time, L turned back to the laptop and pulled up a tab, knotting his fingers into his black hair in irritation. On the screen was a security tape from the scene of Recoya's death. He was just looking at a shop's display through a large window… he raised his hand to point at something, which was right about when L had raised his gun… and then…

He went down, clutching his neck.

Out of _nowhere_.

"Why?" L quietly asked the room at large, starting the clip again and leaning in to get a better look. Wait for it… wait for it…

"There!" L said triumphantly, pausing the video quickly. A flash of silver –the dart, obviously– was coming from the left. Manipulating the zoom, L got a view of everyone in the area.

No one looked particularly… well, killer-y, for lack of a more appropriate word. No one out of the ordinary, anyway. (He was tired, and proper adjectives weren't exactly on the top of his "To Think About" list. So, killer-y was going to have to do.)

Hold it. There was someone talking to himself, standing in the middle of the street as people passed by them on either side. Okay… weird. Certainly Kanto region had its share of crazies, but L hadn't seen very many people who talk to themselves, oblivious to all surroundings…

…While clothed entirely in black leather.

_The hell?_

L leaned even closer towards the computer, and—

_Zzzt!_

—and it shocked his nose pretty painfully.

"Ouch!" (_Which was L-speak for "Holy mother of &%$!"_)

_This_ was why he hated socks. Shuffling around the stupid apartment with its stupid shag carpeting in stupid socks, which he was only wearing because it was practically below zero and he had forgotten to pay the damn bills.

Again.

You'd think the carpeting would keep his feet warm enough, but _nooo_, so he puts on the stupid socks, and, wouldn't you know it, he gets shocked in the nose.

Frowning, the man drew his feet up and yanked the socks off, cold weather be damned.

He leaned in again (more carefully this time) to peer at the paused image. Now it was clear; the person wasn't talking to himself, he was speaking into a wireless headset and gesturing emphatically. Blonde hair, and an effeminate figure that almost made L think for an instant that it was indeed a woman, though a closer look countered that thought.

Possibly, if he was lucky, L would find someone else in range of the camera that was wearing a communication device too.

Right. And then the fucking magical sweets fairy would come and bring him strawberry cheesecake.

Apparently not.

At any rate, it was foolish to be suspicious of someone simply because of their clothing.

But black leather? Seriously? It sort of screamed high-maintenance, possibly gay man. Though, maybe that was just L's opinion.

L reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose in a mixture of frustration and exhaustion. He hadn't slept in maybe four days, and it was catching up to him in more ways than one. As if to drive the point home, L's gaze focused on a lock of hair hanging in front of his face: one of the hairs was silvery.

What. The. Hell. Going gray at twenty-eight? "Blasphemy," L muttered, plucking the offending hair out and letting it float to the floor. Perhaps a less stressful job was in order.

…Yeah, right. (_He could, like, be a greeter at Wal-Mart. "Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your useless shit and get out before I shoot you in the face. Have a smiley-face sticker." That'd work well._)

It was a good thing L didn't particularly care about appearances; evidenced by the way he was dressed. He wore a long-sleeved white T-shirt and blue denim pants nearly all the time, and that suited him just fine. His trade didn't exactly require a specific uniform, so he chose to wear what was comfortable.

A quick check of his account showed that Domni had come through with correct amount of yen, which meant he had about forty-eight hours to find Yagami Soichiro and dispose of him.

Truth be told, it wasn't difficult to find where he would be, the search made that much easier as L was currently staying in the Kanto region. Chief Yagami had a meeting tomorrow with Yamada Isao in a casual restaurant surprisingly close to where L was now. The coincidence of their locations was enough to make the usually apathetic man smile. Really, this was unfair to Domni. Charging so much for such an _easy_ job was almost criminal.

Ah… not that the job in the first place wasn't criminal.

Because... like... it was.

Anyway. How was he going to kill Soichiro Yagami? Poison, perhaps? Toxins were for the most part quick and reliable, such as they were, but it might be in his best interest to do the job from a safe distance. Guns were effective enough, perfect for long-range, and with a silencer it'd even be stealthy.

Sort of.

However, there was still the matter of his…nemesis? It'd be just his luck for Yagami to be killed before L had the chance to do it himself.

Which would mean no pay.

Which…wasn't exactly a problem, to be honest. The killer had more than enough money around in various bank accounts, in various types of currencies, all around the world. He was set, monetarily speaking.

Really, it was just _irritating_ that someone had managed to find out who his target was, then locate and kill said person before L did. Such a feat made this new threat quite the admirable foe. Killing L's targets was a proposed challenge: Figure out my identity, find me, stop me.

It was a challenge that the assassin was eager to take.

After all, L truly _hated_ to lose.

* * *

And...there's the prologue!  
Reviews are greatly appreciated; they tell me if you're enjoying the story and if it makes sense to keep publishing, as well as let me know if there are things I'm doing wrong or if you have suggestions/ideas/things you want to see. Reviews are influencial!  
Check out my profile for polls; I'll probably have a new one up every few days or so.

-Chrysus


	2. It's Kind of A Funny Story

**Chapter 1:**  
**It's Kind of A Funny Story**  
**~In which Beyond Birthday makes his appearance~**

After far too many hours researching and hunting for clues, L stretched, trying and failing to squelch a yawn. He was going to need some sleep before going out tomorrow, so he stood, his toes curling in discomfort from being in the same crouched position for hours. L lifted his shirt over his head, black hair becoming more disheveled from doing so, and then tossed the piece of clothing carelessly into a corner. It was kind of a ritual to practice capoeira every night before a kill.

Placing his feet apart just a bit, L fell back, then caught himself with his left hand, pushed against the floor, and swung his legs up. He brought his right foot down, following with his left, and repeated the circle a few times, performing a sequence of _Macaco em Pé, _which was sort of like doing a cartwheel forwards instead of to the side. He finished with his right leg straight out, the left foot and hands on the ground—

"Try not to screw this one up."

—And then promptly fell flat on his face. How the hell had someone gotten into the apartment? Scrambling up, L looked towards the door where the voice had come from, his eyes widening (more than usual) in shock.

_O.O_

_O.O_

_O.O_

Yeah. Pretty much like that.

Leaning casually against the frame was someone quite similar in looks to the assassin: a relatively same build, height, and posture. The only difference was that the man was wearing a black shirt, and that his eyes were a violent shade of red. "I _told_ you not to screw it up," he said with a vague smirk.

_O.O;;_

Recovering from the minor shock, L spoke up. "Beyond."

"You didn't lift your foot up high enough on the second repetition, and you probably should have pointed your toes. That's really the key to balance. That's why you fell," Beyond Birthday remarked idly, sauntering into the room with his hands shoved into his pockets. That was another difference. The doppelganger had the barest hint of an accent that L had never been able to place.

'_No, I fell because you scared the living heck out of me. Would it kill you to make some noise when you walk? Or, hey, maybe even KNOCK ON THE DOOR?_' Not that he said that aloud. Hostility didn't really have an effect on Beyond; he usually found it amusing. "How long have you been here?" L asked incredulously.

"I don't mean to criticize, of course," Beyond continued, as though his friend hadn't said anything. He grinned, and then looked around. "Nice place you got, Lawli."

L caught the heavy irony with annoyance. The small, bare apartment was nowhere near what he would've liked to be residing in, but he still had to wait a few weeks before it'd be safe to move to a new area and spend a lot of money on a new place without raising suspicions. He scowled. "Get out. And _don't call me that_." See, there's the hostility.

Beyond smiled indulgently. "No, really. I love the whole 'desolate and unwelcoming' look," he said soothingly. And _there's_ the amusement.

L had to physically restrain himself from growling. "B, are you familiar with the phrase '_Mi casa es su casa_?'

Beyond nodded expectantly. "Mhm."

"Yeah. That doesn't apply here."

B's face fell. "Aw, Lawli doesn't like me anymore," he said with a fake pout, then sank to the floor fluidly, wrapping his arms around his knees and looking up at L through raven locks.

"That's right. So get out. Unless you were here for any reason other than to irritate me?" L asked impatiently.

Beyond grinned again. "You've got me. I've been sent, actually, 'cause..." he leaned forward ever so slightly, "because Wammy's _looking for you_, Lawli. He says he's not real happy with you."

L lifted an eyebrow. '_Is he ever?_'

The double forced a laugh. "Of course, he's not happy with me, either. He said I'd do better as a detective, if you can believe it, like he wanted you to be. Well, like he _still _wants you to be. That's why he sent me." He shook his head. "He wants you to come and talk to him about 'using your intelligence for good' or some crap. He told me I had to bring you. He told me to be real _persuasive_, if I needed to," Beyond finished, his tone turning acrid.

In one swift motion, L reached down and picked up a small handgun from behind the laptop, flicked off the safety, and aimed it at the man on the floor. "Don't make me shoot you, B," he warned dispassionately. Beyond looked at the gun, bored.

"I didn't say I was gonna do anything, Lawli," he drawled. "I just figured that I might as well drop by at least so I could tell him I gave it a try. Wammy promised me that he'd send the police after me if I didn't, but I highly doubt they'd catch me. I mean, I managed to break into Kanto's police station at midnight, steal a file, and leave without being caught. And that was _easy_." He gave a smug smile.

L clearly wasn't convinced, as he kept the gun pointed at Beyond's heart, simultaneously trying to think of a non-worrying reason why the look-alike would need a particular file from the Kanto police station at midnight. He failed miserably.

Beyond raised an eyebrow. "Besides, it'd probably be helpful to, I dunno, have some _ammunition_ in your gun before you go and threaten someone with it," he said mischievously.

L looked at Beyond, at the gun, and back at Beyond. "What?"

The doppelganger stood up slowly, and six bullets fell out of the folds of his shirt, hitting the carpet with a series of dull thuds.

"…" L stared at the thief for a long moment before giving a reluctant chuckle (slightly hysterical though it was- all this was making L a bit anxious. Assassins tend to be a bit hair-trigger even at the best of times) and tossing the useless gun to the floor. "You've never told me how you do that."

"It's a trade secret, my friend," he said with a grin. "And I'm_ not telling_. 'S bad enough you know, like, seven ways to kill someone with a Q-tip. And don't even pretend that's an exaggeration. You don't need any more 'special skills.'"

"Mmm, right. Be afraid," L muttered. "B, please go away. I've got work to do, and you're irritating me."

"I know, I know. You've gotta go kill off Chief Yagami." At the assassin's not-quite hidden look of surprise, Beyond added, thoroughly unabashed, "I took a look at your laptop."

'_When on Earth did he do that?'_ L frowned. "Out."

"But—"

"_Out_."

Beyond raised his hands in a symbol of surrender. "Fine. Jeeze, one would almost think you don't like having me around."

L responded with a glare that gave definition to the phrase '_if looks could kill.'_ It only intensified when Beyond merely snickered.

"Yeah, okay, I'll get out of your hair. But before I forget…" Beyond reached into his jeans pocket. "I got somethin' for you."

"If it's jam again, I really don't—" L cut his sentence off, catching a small box the thief threw at him.

"Gourmet chocolate-covered cherries. Thought you'd like them," Beyond said with an eager look on his face, as though he were supposed to be praised for bringing a gift. The other man knew better.

L gave him a steady look. "You stole them, didn't you?" It wasn't a question so much as an accusation.

Beyond shot him a small smile, raising his index finger to his mouth. "Shhh."

L shrugged, not about to refuse a gift just because it had been acquired illicitly. Really, it'd make him quite the hypocrite if he had a problem with illegality.

"Besides, I wouldn't waste another jar of jam on you. Apparently you're 'not fond of the taste,' or whatever," the look-alike said with a frown before taking a small glass jar from his seemingly endless pocket and popping off the lid. He stuck his hand into the jar, scooped out a handful of strawberry goop, and sucked it off his fingers happily.

L cringed. "Beyond, that's_ gross_."

Beyond grinned again and licked the rest of the jam of his hand languidly. "Okay, I can tell when I'm not wanted. I'll pop into to see you another time, shall I?"

'_I'm sure you will, despite the various locks I use_.' "I can hardly wait," L deadpanned, ducking as his friend reached over to ruffle his hair.

Beyond chuckled, raked his eyes across the space over L's head, and nodded. "I'll tell Wammy that you politely declined his invitation. I'm sure he'll be thrilled," he muttered, rolling his eyes. "Stupid old man."

"Wammy means well, B," the killer said, not putting much energy into his reprimand. "He took us in, raised us, gave us—"

"Letters," Beyond interrupted. "He gave us letters. And _expectations_. He still wants you to be a detective, like it had been his life's dream to raise a bunch of little kids to be crime fighters and give them _letters_," he spat. "A, B, C, D…" he sang, and then, looking at the assassin, "…L," he finished lightly. He chuckled. "L was the beginning of the alphabet for us. Was all we heard. Smart like _L_, calm like _L_, intuitive like _L_. The pressure… well, I suppose Wammy learned his lesson after A hung himself, didn't he?"

L flinched.

"He was angry when you left, sure," B continued, "but then he stopped pushing us so hard. When he found out you became an assassin, he stopped caring altogether and focused on getting you back. We all went our separate ways; C, D, and me. Though, even now, he still keeps in touch. But you already know that. Wammy meant well, but he sure didn't understand about taking care of children, at least, children other than you, until A died. Granted, he was pretty good between that point and when he found out about your new profession."

L didn't reply for a moment, though he knew what Beyond said was true. "…I've cut off all ties with Wammy for a reason. You tell him that, and then I suggest you do the same. He's hardly our biggest threat." He smiled ruefully.

At that, the look-alike gave a laugh. "Okay, I'm gone. Take care till next time, and don't do anything stupid, especially around liquor, because I am _not _bailing your ass outta jail again."

L was briefly reminded of his last experience with alcohol, and it had indeed ended up with Beyond posting bail for alias 'Rue Ryuzaki.' He rolled his eyes. "Get out of here."

With a final grin, Beyond crossed the room to a window, swept the curtains out of the way, forced the glass up, and swung himself out.

L let out a sigh. _Finally_. A fraction of a second later he realized he was on the _twelfth floor of the building_ and rushed to the window, expecting to see a Beyond-sized splatter on the street below, but it almost didn't surprise him that he didn't see any sign. One of the thief's many talents was his ability to make himself scarce in a heartbeat, which was really a necessity in his line of work.

L quickly became aware of the freezing air whipping at him, pouring into the room through the window, and shivered violently. He pushed the glass down, grateful for the barrier between him and the winter air, and grabbed his shirt from the corner.

After a few minutes, the assassin found a quilt in a spare closet and wrapped it around himself, then sat on the floor. He'd have to get some furniture soon, or, preferably, move out of the Kanto region.

Tomorrow was going to be interesting, to say the least, but L had planned for everything. He had to expect the unexpected. So he kept in mind the man in black leather from earlier and calculated the chances that he was the new threat. He kept in mind chief Yagami and all aspects of the job he had to do: the area he would be in, his chosen method of killing, the number of citizens likely to be around. Thought about everything.

…Well, _almost_. L had noticed that Soichiro Yagami had a son, but didn't think much of it.

L didn't count on Light Yagami.

And that would make all the difference.

* * *

Thank you to Dlvvanzor, my beta.  
Reviews are most appreciated.


	3. Not As Planned

**Not As Planned**  
**~In which...things seriously don't go as planned~**

L had to admit he got the slightest thrill at the idea of holding someone's life in his hands. When he heard a name, he knew they'd be dead soon enough. The real entertainment, though, was always in the plotting. Researching and planning and hunting, like a big game where he held all the cards; he could make things as easy or difficult as he wanted, and it was all such exquisite _fun_—

He had smothered someone once. Held a pillow over their nose and mouth while they slept and _watched_ as they awoke with a start, watched as their struggles gradually got weaker and their eyes unfocused and became like glass, _and then_—

Then nothing. Then it was nothing more than a corpse, and L would wipe his fingerprints and remove all evidence and leave, to casually pick up a newspaper the next day and celebrate the headlines with an especially large piece of cake.

He only had four policies for his line of work, and to date had followed them to the letter:

1. Don't trust.

2. Don't talk.

3. Don't feel.

4. No regrets.

He had become the perfect robot, and then Light Yagami came along and made him break all the rules.

**

* * *

**One day after his conversation with Domni.

Primary target: Soichiro Yagami.

Get in, do the job, and get out. Simple enough.

…so it was only to be expected that nothing went as planned.

**

* * *

**

L made his way through the crowd in Kiochi Square, catching snippets of conversations:

"…so he said..."

"…with the weather like this…"

"…didn't even want to…"

"…such an idiot, I couldn't believe…"

"…don't understand why I have to be here, Dad. It's—"

_CRASH!_

"!"

A young man in his early twenties had stepped back just as L walked past him and they collided, crashing rather gracelessly to the ground and earning a faceful of asphalt each.

Light Yagami managed to scramble up and brush himself off, despite the mortification that came with everyone looking in his direction. Several people snickered so he shot them a patented, "_If you do not go back to minding your own business, I will cheerfully beat you to death with whatever happens to be on hand!_" glance.

Sure enough, everyone turned away. Problem solved.

Now, compose yourself, Light.

Deep breath.

Brilliant smile.

Hair flip.

There, that's better.

It was then that it occurred to the young man that there was another person sprawled out on the street below him.

A man who looked like he was in his late twenties was now standing up, and was probably one of the oddest people Light had ever seen. Pale skin, messy black hair and wide eyes that were, strangely enough, the same color as his hair, the pupils and the irises indistinguishable. Now fully upright, the man was a couple inches shorter than Light, but that was because he was hunched over like an old man.

His whole appearance suggested he was an outcast.

Or homeless.

He wasn't even wearing shoes!

Light watched the bizarre person go through several expressions in a second upon taking in Light's features: Surprise changed to outright shock, then panic, before finally assuming a blank look.

Light's inner voice quietly supplied, "_Awwwkwaaard_..." in sing-song, to which he answered, "_Not hellllping_..." in the same fashion before deciding it probably wasn't good to be holding a conversation inside his head, and promptly shut himself the hell up.

He stopped his gawking, realizing that the stranger was speaking to him.

"My apologies. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going," L mumbled, already backpedalling frantically in a desperate attempt to melt into the crowd.

'…_You're shitting me.'_ Of all the people he could have knocked over, Fate decided to take a crap on L's life and make it the son of his target. Light was his name, if L's memory served him (which it more than likely did), and if there was one person who was the most opposite of the killer, it was this young man in front of him, whose biggest dilemma of the day looked like it would be choosing to part his hair on the left or the right. Only it wouldn't really matter, because he'd look perfect no matter which he chose. Light brown hair, slightly darker brown eyes, perfect posture, perfect clothes, and even L could see that he was quite handsome.

L hated him already.

Which was alright, really: he was probably going to end up killing him, eventually.

"It's okay, I shouldn't have…" Light trailed off, as the man had already disappeared into the crowd. Weird. _As if your day wasn't surreal enough, let's add a freaky homeless man who looks like he's been diagnosed with every disorder in the book!_ He shrugged at his dad's questioning look and they continued to make their way across the square, heading for a small restaurant a few blocks away where Light's father had a meeting with Yamada Isao. "Um… anyway, I don't understand why I have to be here. This is your meeting."

"Hearing what Yamada has to say will help when you start training at the police academy," Soichiro answered.

"Dad," Light began in exasperation, "you know I'm not interested in—"

"Of course you are!" Soichiro interrupted loudly, a hint of desperation coloring his tone. "You'll be an officer like you've always wanted to be, and we'll get that silly artist idea out of your head."

"I've _never_ wanted to be—"

"Oh, look, here we are!" Soichiro announced, all but dragging Light into the restaurant.

The brunette glanced around. "Yamada's not even here yet."

Soichiro waved his hand dismissively. "That's fine. It gives us a chance to bond!"

Light's eyes widened in sheer horror. 'Bond' was a four-letter would when it came to his father. …Erm, literally _and_ figuratively. "Um, that's okay, I'll just step out for a second… do the thing… with the… you know… in the place that's not here, _berightback kthxbai_!" He fled from the building.

'_Light Yagami uses Super Escape! +5 points!'_

"Oh… kay?" Soichiro answered, blinking. He took a couple steps outside of the eatery, but decided to let Light have a moment. '_Artists and their bitchy fits… this is precisely why the boy needs to join the academy._'

The handsome twenty-one-year-old sighed, walking away from the restaurant and not at all planning on returning. His father had been hell-bent on him joining the police force when all Light had ever wanted to do was paint.

Light's phone vibrated in his pocket before emitting a few notes of a pop song. The brunette fumbled for his phone and answered it, holding the device to his ear in annoyance.

"What do you want, Sayu?"

"_Hellooooo, big brother!_" Light's little sister chirped into the phone. "_How's my favorite, amazing, handsome, brilliant_—"

"What do you want, Sayu?" Light repeated in irritation.

He could practically _see _the girl pout as she answered. "_Why do you always assume I want something when I—_"

"I'm hanging up now."

"_Wait! Oh, fine. I need a ride to the movies. Where the hell are you?_"

"With Dad. Or, I was. He brought me to his meeting with Yamada Isao."

"_Still stuck on you becoming an officer?_" Sayu asked sympathetically.

"Always. It's like he refuses to acknowledge painting as a career."

"_You've already sold a few pieces, right?"_

"The only one I haven't sold yet is _Habitations 37_."

"_You mean the one with the big blue stripe?"_

"Well, yeah, but there's_ meaning_ to it; it's more than just a stri—"

"_Onii chan, it's _**_just_**_ a stripe. You're not going to sell it."_

Pout. "You just don't understand true art."

"_All your other pieces are really good—"_

"Damn straight they are," Light said proudly.

"_Your narcissism knows no bounds, big brother."_

"I'm going to have to sit down and talk to Dad seriously... eventually." Like, never, preferably. Later if possible.

"_That's not the only thing you have to talk to him about, you know._"

Light groaned. "Don't remind me."

"_Here's what you do. You go, 'Dad, I'm sorry, but I hate the police and I will never join the academy because I'm going to be an artist.' And then while he's reeling from that, you can just casually add, 'I also happen to be a flaming homosexual, kthxbai!' How's that?"_

"Right. That's exactly what I'll do. And then when Dad collapses from a heart attack, you can drive him to the hospital."

"_You've got to tell him sometime, Light_."

"Yeah."

"_Actually, to be frank, you really need to get yourself laid, big brother. I know this place downtown where you can meet some sexy guys and—"_

"Goodbye, Sayu," Light said hastily, flipping the phone shut with a grimace.

* * *

Stupid, stupid, stupid! There was no chance L could get close to Yagami again without arousing suspicion. He'd have to find a vantage point to do the job with a gun.

The assassin knew that there was a building across the street from the restaurant the Yagami's were heading to that would give him the perfect position to shoot Soichiro, and set out in that direction.

Focus, L.

"…thought we could go out for some lunch…"

"…working on that novel, so…"

"…now, Mello, or our opportunity will be lost. Yagami will…"

L stopped in his tracks so suddenly that the man walking behind him almost tripped. The voice coming from the alleyway he just passed… had he said "Yagami?" L flattened himself against the wall of a building, and peered around the corner into the alley.

Three figures: A redhead, a young man with white hair, and… a blonde! It looked like the same man L had seen in the security tape. Someone had called him Mello.

"I'm just saying, if we don't act now, we won't get him in time," the boy with white hair whispered urgently.

"I know what I'm doing, Near!" the blonde replied, his voice rising in irritation.

"Quiet!" the boy, Near, ordered.

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"I'm_ not_, you just need to—"

"Why don't you just leave this to the big kids, and let Matty and me handle this, hmm?"

"Oh, that's nice. If it weren't for me, we wouldn't have gotten Recoya last month."

"Shut up! I was in perfect range—"

"You weren't even on the right _block_, let alone in range."

"Guys…" the redhead warned. The other two ignored him.

"Albino freak!"

"Leather-wearing drama queen!"

"At least I have a sense of fashion, unlike a certain someone who wears his pajamas everywhere!"

Near crossed his arms. "At least _I_ don't look like a girl."

The blonde let out a wordless shriek of rage.

"GUYS!" the redhead shouted in exasperation.

Mello and Near looked at him. "What?" they asked simultaneously.

"God… just shut the fuck up, alright? I think all of Kanto heard your little bitch fight, and I _thought_ we were trying to be inconspicuous."

Several yards away, L was… slightly amused, but hell if he wasn't also confused as all get-out. These _children_ were the threat? The oldest didn't appear older than eighteen, and the youngest didn't look like he could even hold up a gun.

Nevertheless, if they truly did kill Recoya, then they could kill Yagami. What was the best course of action?

He could take a quick… _detour_ into the alley and get rid of them… but that would be three against one, and they probably had weapons of some kind.

He could rush ahead and get Yagami before they could… but he couldn't do it from close range because of his unfortunate slip-up earlier. Couldn't risk being recognized. He'd have to wait for the perfect place and moment to shoot from, but L was certain that the three boys would have struck before then.

Perhaps… perhaps he could go to the Yagamis, flash a fake badge, and lead them away, saying they were in danger. Then, when he got them some place secluded, he would simply kill them both.

It certainly wasn't a great plan, and maybe if he had time to think, L might have found a better solution, but he was under stress now.

The boys finished their conversation in terse whispers, and L set off again, searching wildly for Soichiro or Light. He reached the end of the street, turned left, and WHACK.

"Fuck!"

Two men found themselves on the ground again.

* * *

For some reason I can't get the title to center. *shakefist*  
Reviews are appreciated and always answered. Press the button. I triple-dog-dare you.  
Big thanks to Dlvvanzor, my beta.


	4. A Series of Unfortunate Events

AN: Short chapter is short. -.- I promise the next will be longer and out soon. Thank you for all the reviews; they make me smile.

**A Series of Unfortunate Events**  
**~In which L and B share a lollipop~**

_(From the last chapter)_

…_L set off again, searching wildly for Soichiro or Light. He reached the end of the street, turned left, and WHACK._

_"Fuck!"_

_Two men found themselves on the ground again._

Light Yagami winced and held his head. "You again?"

"One should not have this much bad luck in the course of an afternoon," L muttered, dazed. _Let me die, let me die, for the love of God just let me __**die**_.

The younger man raised an eyebrow at him and stood up, then held a hand out to assist the assassin. L stared at it as though it were purple and green with seven fingers, and Light pulled away slowly. "So… what, are you stalking me or something?"

"Why on Earth would I be following _you_?" L retorted automatically. _Technically speaking, I was looking for you, not following you_.

'_And you found him, along with a possible concussion! Careful what you wish for…'_

He stood up.

Light shrugged. "You've got a weird, creeper look about you."

Lovely.

"Thank you," L replied acidly.

Light went pink. "Er… I meant—"

"No matter." A thought came to L's mind. "Actually, perhaps you can help me. I've been looking for Soichiro Yagami: black hair, musta—"

"That's my father, the man with me earlier," Light interrupted. He frowned. "He's over at the restaurant a few blocks over. Why…?"

"You'll have to come with me, then, Yagami-kun. I'm afraid your father's in danger."

Light looked thoroughly bewildered. _This guy must have hit his head pretty hard_. "I'm sorry, but… who are you, exactly?"

L gave a sigh of faux irritation, getting anxious. If he didn't move quickly, he'd run out of time. The raven reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a wallet, opened it, and flashed a fake police badge he had acquired some time ago. "Officer Rue Ryuzaki. I am afraid your father is in danger, Yagami-kun. Please come with me quickly." With that, L spun on his heel and strode off, beckoning for Light to follow.

The brunette stumbled after him. "What do you mean, danger? What's going on?"

"I will explain later," L said, catching sight of the police chief. He increased his speed, almost breaking into a jog. _I just might make it_.

That small sliver of hope more or less got run over by a bus and died dramatically when Soichiro collapsed. L stopped short.

Light nearly crashed into him _again_ but managed to stop. The strange man was muttering darkly to himself in what sounded like Russian. "Okay, what the hell is going on?"

L pointed ahead wordlessly. Soichiro was on the ground, and several people had gathered around him.

The young man's jaw dropped slightly, and he took a couple steps forward before breaking into a sprint towards his father.

With a shake of his head, L turned and melted into the crowd. Best be gone before any officials show.

* * *

Shouting.

Sirens.

Soichiro was lifted into the ambulance, Light stumbling in after him.

Crying.

Someone was crying.

God, who the hell was that? It was the most irritating—

"Please calm down. You're going into shock."

Oh.

He was crying. Light was crying.

Blurs of lights and sounds and-

"Gunshot wound to the chest-" "We need to get him stabilized!" "-critical condition-" "I think he's flat lining..." "Someone get the doors open and take him in—"

-movement and everyone was going so quickly all Light could do was follow behind in confusion through endless halls before-

"You'll have to stay here, son."

-he was led into a waiting room where it wasn't so confusing and he could _think_ but all he could think was _what happened_ for what felt like forever until-

"Light!"

"Light, are you okay?"

-his mother and sister burst in looking frightened so he had to put on a brave face through the confusion and try to explain that-

"I think someone shot him, but…"

-he really didn't know what happened at all, only that there was this man who was warning him, holding up a badge, but-

"And this guy tried to tell me, showed me a badge, but…"

-he didn't think it was real, and the guy had acted so panicky, and the more that he thought about it, the more certain he was that-

"I don't really think he was trying to help."

_-that guy had something to do with it._

"Light…?" His mother looked concerned; the brunette's face was pale and he was shaking. Sayu sat in the chair beside Light and put an arm around him.

"I was confused." It seemed important that they knew. "I was confused, so I just stood there for a second."

He was confused, but he should have reacted faster.

"I just stood there and I_ let it happen!_"

"Light, it's okay—"

"It's_ not _okay." He should have stayed with his father, suffered through the meeting; at least he'd have been safe then. Light put his head in his hands. _I might as well have shot him myself._ "It's not okay, I could have prevented it." He couldn't believe he had wasted possibly the last moments with his father arguing about something so stupid!

"Sachiko Yagami?" A doctor appeared, wrinkles creasing his forehead and hands clutching a clipboard.

Light's mother stood immediately, looking at the doctor anxiously.

"He'll survive," the doctor said confidently, and the Yagami family let out a collective breath they hadn't known they'd been holding.

"He'll have to stay in the hospital for a few days until he's stable enough to go home, but he should make a full recovery. The bullet missed his heart by a fraction of an inch, thank God. It was touch and go for a while, but…" The doctor shook his head and gave a tentative smile. "…well, I suppose you'll want to see him?"

**

* * *

**"…and then, well, everything sort of went to hell when Yagami collapsed, and there really wasn't anything more I could do, so… I came back here," L finished lamely.

B was leaning on the railing of the small balcony of L's apartment, gazing down at the crowd below.

"Are you listening to me?" L demanded, snapping lithe fingers in front of the thief's face.

B turned his head slowly. "Well, what're you going to do?"

"I need to find those people who keep getting to my targets before me," the other man decided. "What I can't figure out is how they managed to get there before me this time. I could have sworn I was closer than they were…" He shoved a hand into his pocket and withdrew a sucker. Thoughtfully, he tore off the cellophane and brought the candy up to his lips, but Beyond snapped an arm out, plucked the sucker from L's fingers, and popped it into his own mouth.

"What about that Yagami kid?" B asked thickly around the candy, smirking as L seethed.

"What about him?" L snatched the lollipop from between the thief's lips without thinking of the consequences and made a face at the sticky candy. B's mouth remained open in surprise, then scowled.

"He's the son of the chief of police; don't you think he'll be around there, looking for clues? Looking for _you_?" Beyond reached for the sucker, but L held it out of reach. B pouted.

"Why would he be looking for me?"

"You were the only suspicious one there when Yagami collapsed. If he sees you, he's bound to want to ask you some questions, at the very least. _Give it_," he whined, leaning over and making snatching motions like a bratty child.

So he stuck the candy in his mouth defiantly.

Beyond looked scandalized. "Hey!"

L peered up at him, the paper stick poking from his lips, and tried not to cringe; the cherry sucker tasted very much like strawberry jam.

B's lower lip stuck out slightly. "_Lawli…_" He suddenly brightened and took on a mischievous expression. "_…pop._"

L's eyes flicked over to look at him. "Beyond—"

"Lawlipop."

L scowled. "B, you know that's not how you pronounce my name. It's not 'Law-lee-it,' it's 'Low—'"

"Lawlipop!"

"B!"

The thief grinned. "Lawlipop, Lawlipop, ooh, Lawli—"

"_I will annihilate you!_"

B continued to sing, smirking all the while at L's look of rage.

"_Beyond Birthday, you knock it off_ –oh, _here_. Take the damn candy." He thrust the sucker into the other man's mouth irritably, cutting off his singing. B looked surprised, then triumphant.

"So? If the kid shows up, what're you going to do?"

L looked at him. "I'm going to find out exactly who those people were back there. If Yagami, or anyone else, gets in my way, I take them down, no questions asked. I won't lose any sleep over it."

Beyond smiled, his teeth stained red from what L hoped was the sucker. "I just hope that kid knows what he's getting into."

* * *

The chapter title refuses to center again. Oh well. Please review, let me know what you like, what could be improved, ect.  
Big thanks to Dlvvanzor for beta-ing this chapter and saving it from being lost after I misplaced it and she had to go over it again and, well, she deserves many internets. =)  
Thanks for reading.

-Chrysus


	5. So Why Don't You Kill Me?

AN: LOOK! It's an update! (My apologies for people that recieved several alerts- I had to go in and fix something...twice. -.-)

**So Why Don't You Kill Me?**  
**~In which L and Light visit a bakery~ **

He would live.

Soichiro Yagami hadn't been conscious when Light went in with his family to visit him; the doctor said he was in a medically induced coma to let him recuperate and to protect him from further injury, and that he'd likely be awake within the next few days.

But he would live.

And that was all Light cared about.

After about an hour of standing by his father's hospital bed, the young man left without a word, ignoring the concerned questions from his mother and sister. He stopped at his apartment to pick something up, and returned to Kiochi Square with a purpose.

The so-called cop, that "Rue Ryuzaki"…Light would find him, ask him some questions, get the answers he wanted.

And then Light would kill him.

Simple as that.

* * *

L decided that despite his aversion to shoes, the frigid weather outside made the evil accessories necessary.

Unfortunately, he realized this about an hour _after_ he left his apartment, and was now trying to think about a life without toes, because frostbite was almost definitely affecting him.

The assassin couldn't understand how those boys managed to get from the alley to a place close enough to shoot the chief, so he was headed to the stores surrounding the scene of the crime to check out security videos.

It didn't escape him that he was acting more like a police officer than a killer. _'Look, it's Captain Irony, here to fuck up everyone's day!'_

There was a sudden pressure at his back, and L froze. _Gun_, his mind supplied, not particularly panicked about it exactly, just making an observation.

_Gun._

And then, _holy shit, it's a __gun__!_

"Don't speak unless you want to get shot right now," a voice murmured in his ear.

_Shit shit shit._

"Start walking," Light continued, prodding L in the back with the gun from his apartment. L began to move forward, trying to figure out the best way to go for his own gun—

Wait a minute. Where _was_ his gun?

L swore under his breath. If he made it home alive, he was going to _kill_ that stupid jam-loving thief.

Light directed him into an alley way. Once hidden from public's view, he shoved the assassin forward and trained the weapon on him. L spun around, lifting his hands in a 'whoa, don't shoot' gesture.

"Easy, Yagami-kun," L said. "I'm a police officer."

"Like hell you are," the younger male spat. "I know you had something to do with my father's attack,_ I know_… and you're going to tell me everything, or I'll shoot you, I swear I'll do it."

L noticed Light's hand shook as he spoke, and he chanced a step forward. "I didn't have anything to do with it. I was hired to kill him, I'll admit that, but I didn't get the chance to. Someone else got to him before me. Whatever revenge scheme you've got planned is pointed at the wrong person." As soon as Yagami let his guard down, L would grab the gun and kill him.

"Of course. It was obviously just a misunderstanding. My apologies," the brunette said, sweet as could be, sarcasm dripping from his words. "I'm sure you can understand why I don't believe you."

"I know who's responsible. I came here to try and find them."

"_Shut up_." Light's finger tightened around the trigger, nothing but anger marring his features. "You're lying, you almost killed my father; I won't—"

"I'm _not_, and I'll tell you why. I have no reason to lie. If I had killed your father, I'd be gloating right now. Plus, I wouldn't be wasting my time trying to lie to stop you from shooting me, because I could kill you right now, whether you had the gun or not," the raven said frankly. His thoughts whirled. The chief was still alive? Perhaps if he managed to get away from this nuisance, he could drop by the hospital…

"Oh?" Light asked angrily. "And what makes you say that?"

L glanced up and chewed on his bottom lip thoughtfully. "Because, Yagami-kun, I am L. I should hope my reputation speaks for itself?"

Well. That was unexpected. Light couldn't think of anything to say; his grip on the gun loosened and he gaped rather stupidly, silent and stunned for one-two-three seconds before demanding, "Are you fucking serious?"

L nodded gravely. "I am fucking serious."

Light blinked once. Twice. Again. He looked the other man up and down, taking in his skinny, weak-looking figure. He blinked again. "_You?_"

L sincerely hoped the younger man wasn't as stupid as he was appearing to be. "That's right."

"_Are you fucking—_"

"I could take your gun," L suggested irritably, "And shoot you in the face. I'm fairly certain you'd know I was 'fucking serious' then."

"I'd be dead then," Light noted dumbly.

Oh, God. He really _was_ this stupid. "Better you than me."

Light frowned. "Well, why _haven't_ you killed me yet?"

At this, L paused because, really, he had no idea. Certainly no real reason. And then he didn't know what the hell possessed him to blurt out, "Because I need your help. And obviously, you need mine."

"What do you mean?" the brunette asked, eyebrows furrowing.

"Well— hold on. Before I do anymore talking, kindly put the gun away, yes? It's unsettling, and if I haven't killed you yet, I'm not likely to in the future." That was a lie. At least, he thought so. "Besides, if I really wanted to kill you, a gun's not going to hinder me."

Seeing Light hesitate, L said, "I want to help you, Yagami-kun, but I won't if you're threatening me. For all intents and purposes, you may consider me to be on your side."

"Why the hell should I trust you?"

At this, the raven gave a small smile, just one corner of his mouth tilting up ever so slightly. "I'm afraid you don't have any other choice. At the end of the day, Yagami-kun, you either trust me or you don't. I can't prove that I'm not going to kill you, but it's the truth. If you want out, that's fine. The only one who loses anything is you."

'_Unless he kills you_,' a nagging voice reminded him. '_Then __you__ lose._'

After a moment's hesitation, Light put the weapon away and breathed a sigh of relief that was immediately replaced with a shout of alarm and anger as the slimmer man darted forward and shoved him against the wall of the alley.

"What the hell are you— _hey!_" Light cried out, L's hand reaching into his pants, only calming minimally when he realized the assassin was going for his gun. Light pushed him away hard, and L staggered backwards into a pile of stacked cardboard boxes, which, predictably, collapsed on top of him. If the situation wasn't so grave, Light would have burst into laughter.

A few seconds later, a shock of black hair appeared, followed by the rest of L's body, nearly drowning in cardboard. He managed to dislodge himself from the pile and then pointed the gun at Light's chest. The younger man's eyes widened.

"Lesson one," L said shortly, attempting to regain his composure, "no matter how infinitesimal your advantage is, you keep it at least until you're around enough people that you know you're safe. That was very stupid on your part. Now you're powerless, and I could kill you."

In a couple quick movements, he removed the ammunition from the gun and tossed the useless weapon back at the brunette, who caught it clumsily, looking relieved.

"I won't, though," he continued. "Simply taking precautions." He brushed himself off.

"Hell of a way to do it," Light grumbled. "I thought you were trying to molest me." He could have sworn he saw the other man grin. "Besides, I wouldn't have shot you," he continued. "Even if I had, I'd have likely missed. Never shot one before."

"You're a police officer's son," L said incredulously.

Light looked irritable. "I know."

"Well." L shoved his hands in his pockets. "Even so, it's best to be careful. The gun's useless now, and we have the same advantages. That is only fair, ne?"

"It's not useless," Light mused. "I could beat you over the head with it. Come here."

L raised an eyebrow.

"Anyway, I thought you said that you didn't need a gun to kill me."

"I don't." L leered at him. "Care for me to demonstrate?"

"No, thank you," Light muttered.

"_As I was saying_, you and I are after the same people. It wouldn't hurt to work together, plus, you're not going to get very far without the ability to shoot a gun."

"True."

L looked at Light for a few seconds. He was reconsidering killing Light and his father: he didn't really need Domni's money, and it would be more entertaining to work with Yagami-kun rather than kill him. "There is a bakery," he said finally, "a few blocks away. The strawberry cheesecake there is quite good." He made an about-face and began to head for the main street but turned back, noticing that Light hadn't moved. "I am not going to kill you, Yagami-kun. I simply want to figure out how we proceed from here. And, as I said, the cheesecake is very good." Satisfied, L strode off purposely.

After a brief moment of hesitation, the brunette threw up his hands with a "why the fuck not," and followed the eccentric man out of the alley.

* * *

Nursing a cup of coffee, Light stared at the man across the table. L was crouched on the booth, holding a fork precariously between his thumb and forefinger. Despite his odd grip, he'd gone through two slices of cake rather quickly and was methodically making his way through a third, only pausing to sip at a cup of tea that appeared to have the consistency of sand what with the dozens of sugar cubes L had first stacked and then dropped into the liquid.

It was one of those times where you just have _no idea_ _what to say_, but luckily (or unluckily, depending on your point of view), L was doing enough talking for the both of them. Much to Light's irritation, he found himself agreeing to meet at L's apartment tomorrow and somehow actually _believing_ that the man wasn't going to kill him. And then, strangely enough, the conversation had switched seamlessly to _candy_. L had been speaking strictly of sweets for the past ten minutes, completely disregarding the fact that Light was going to kill him not long ago and they_ kind of_ had something important to discuss.

"…and I like to get strawberry cheesecake with lots of frosting, and ice cream with sprinkles and gummy bears, and tea with plenty of sugar, and peppermint sticks coated in chocolate. I like to dip them in the tea sometimes; it tastes like—"

"_Diabetes!"_

L glanced up and blinked. "Hmm?"

Light pinched the bridge of his nose and gave a quiet sigh. "Nothing. Just…nothing."

"Very well. Peppermint sticks coated in chocolate," he continued gravely (because candy was SRS!BSNS), and Light wondered how much force was necessary to choke the life out of L. "They are similar to pocky except with mint instead of—"

"You eat pocky?" Light interrupted in surprise.

"Well," L began, affronted, "It's _Men's_ Pocky—"

"I don't care how bitter the chocolate is, it's still pocky."

The other man's lower lip stuck out slightly, looking for all the world like a petulant child. Light shook his head in disbelief.

"I still can't believe you're _the_ L. You're the strangest assassin I've ever heard of."

"Ah, but the point is," L murmured, waggling his fork at an incredulous Light, "you _have_ heard of me." L frowned, picking at his cake again. "And I'll ask you to call me Ryuzaki, please. I would like to keep my identity a secret, as I am sure you can understand. I'll email you my address. Kindly be there by seven in the morning, and we'll get to work immediately."

Light raised an eyebrow, simply shocked that this was actually happening. "Alright." Light stood to leave.

"And, Yagami-kun, I'll have to ask you to dispose of your computer and/or laptop within twenty-four hours once you receive the email."

"What— you mean destroy it into pieces? Why?"

"Simply taking precautions, Yagami-kun," L repeated. "If you do not comply, I have sources that will dispose of the computer for you."

"That's…that's not…"

"Are you homosexual, Yagami-kun?" L asked casually, the thought just having popped into his mind, his tone of voice the same as if he were wondering what time it was or whether he could have another piece of cake.

Pause.

Awkward. Pause.

Snap. _"What?"_

"You have one hand on you hip and you are gesturing quite flippantly with the other. You have picked nearly invisible bits of lint of your perfectly matching clothes ten times in the past five minutes, and you have peered into every available reflective surface in the bakery to subtly check your hair, including the back of your spoon two minutes ago." He didn't particularly sound like he cared; just stating facts. "On the walk here no less than seven men 'checked you out,' and you subsequently straightened and tilted your chin up, meaning you enjoyed their look. Also—"

He would have continued if Light hadn't thrown the contents of his coffee cup into his face. The hot liquid soaked into L's white shirt, and he opened his eyes to see Light storming from the building.

"See you tomorrow then, Yagami-kun," L called after him, mopping at his face with a napkin.

'_I think that went rather well.'_

* * *

Reviews are appreciated.  
Many thankyous to Dlvvanzor, who beta'd this chapter.


	6. It Really Makes Me Wonder

AN: You guys should be happy you get an update. I never thought I was going to get home today. I was at the airport, trying to get out, driving and driving and _driving_, when it occurred to me...I had been driving in one big freaking circle for about twenty minuets. -.-' Only it didn't really help that I figured it out because I _still_ had no clue how to get out and I had to ask for directions. Only no one was around. And then when I _did _find someone, I felt like the biggest idiot to walk the Earth because the exit was maybe ten yards from where I was asking directions from (in my defense, the sign was partially hidden by a bush, so...). Am I the only one with such a bad sense of direction?  
Anyway, here's a new, shiny update.

**It Really Makes Me Wonder**  
**~In which L has difficulties with appliances~**

* * *

"…_This_ is your apartment?"

"Yes."

"And… how long have you been living here?"

"Approximately three weeks."

"…_How?_"

L turned to see Light gaping in his doorway. He wasn't really surprised that the brunette had shown up, even with his actions yesterday (L hadn't sustained any major burns from the hot coffee thrown in his face, much to the assassin's relief); it didn't take a person long to figure out that Light had a flair for dramatics.

Hence the overreaction to L's apartment. "What do you mean?"

"It's completely empty!"

And it was true. The apartment contained only the bare necessities, which, to L, didn't include a bed, or couch, or television, or… or much else, really. "And it's _cold_, don't you have electricity?"

"I haven't paid my bills in some time; my utilities were cut off. We will be relocating to a completely furnished apartment in about three days, so if you can stand to _suffer_ until then—" L began irritably, but was interrupted by a horrified Light.

"I'm not sitting in the cold for hours! We'll work at my place until the new one's ready," he said forcefully. "Get whatever you need and then you can follow behind me. It's a bit far– across town actually- so—"

"That won't work, Yagami-kun. Traveling across town every day is ridiculous without a car."

"What…why don't you have a car?"

"There's been no reason to purchase one."

Light furrowed his eyebrows. "Fine. Then you'll stay with me for a few days. There's no way I'm working here for hours on end every day, and I've got a couch you can sleep on, which, judging by the horrific bags under your eyes, you won't. Pack a bag."

"But—"

"And, by the way, Ryuzaki," Light said, averting his eyes, "I apologize for yesterday."

"Accepted," L replied offhandedly. "But I still don't know if I want to—"

"Aren't you going to apologize?" Light demanded.

"For what?"

"For what you said yesterday!"

L blinked. "Was my statement incorrect?"

"That's not the point!"

"I'll take that as a no. There's no need for me to apologize, and there's no need for you to be embarrassed by your sexuality—"

"I am _not_ talking about this with _you!_" the brunette practically shrieked. "Pack a fucking bag so we can leave!"

"Yagami-kun, I do not—"

"Pack. A. Bag. _Now._" L could only assume Light was being so aggressive in an attempt to defend his masculinity- a futile attempt, really- and fell silent, being fond of the way his limbs were currently attached to his body. He dug a small suitcase out of a closet and carefully laid his laptop in it, then returned to the closet and picked out three white shirts and three pairs of blue jeans, identical to what he was wearing, and put those in next, followed by a couple pairs of boxers.

Light could count on one hand the number of times he'd been struck speechless, and four of them were in the past two days. "What… but you're wearing… that's…"

L ignored him and padded into the kitchen, opening one of the only appliances in the apartment: a refrigerator. He pulled out one-two-three _entire cakes_ in white boxes, stacked them all on top of each other, and returned to the suitcase. He stared for a couple seconds, contemplating how to get them into the suitcase without crushing the boxes and subsequently crushing the cakes, which was simply unacceptable.

Light found his voice. "What the hell are you doing?"

L turned to look at him with an expression that said 'What does it look like I'm doing, idiot?'

"For the love of God, Ryuzaki, we can get you more cake."

L brightened immediately and returned his cake to the refrigerator, plucked a peppermint stick from a small tin, then went and zipped up his suitcase. "Then I am ready."

"That's it?" Light asked, gesturing at L's bag.

"I assume we can return if need be?"

"Well, sure, but—"

"Then let's go."

"Do you always wear that?" Light wanted to know, gesturing at L's outfit.

"Yes. _Why_ are you bitching at me?" L muttered, heading for the door.

Light shook his head, but faltered when he noticed L's bare feet. "Ryuzaki, your shoes!"

"No thank you, Yagami-kun," the raven replied shortly.

Light frowned, saw a pair of ratty tennis shoes, and picked them up, following L. "You need to wear shoes, Ryuzaki."

L pulled the candy from his mouth, wondering when Light had decided to become his mother. "I'm fairly certain that I do not." He shuffled down the hall.

Light followed, annoyed. "Ryuzaki, you're not leaving without putting your shoes on."

L whirled around and brandished the peppermint stick in the brunette's face threateningly. "Shoes are uncomfortable and confining. I refuse."

"Get that out of my face."

"No."

"Ryuzaki—"

"Put the shoes down."

"Ryuzaki, get that _out_ of my face."

"Not until Yagami-kun puts down the shoes."

"Your feet will get all cut up."

"Yagami-kun is not my mother, therefore—"

"What the hell? Use pronouns, Ryuzaki! And _get your disgusting candy out of my face!_"

"_No._"

They glared at each other for a moment.

"Brat!" Light finally growled, dropping the tennis shoes and shoving past a triumphant L.

They sat in stony silence in Light's car apart from a brief argument ("You _can't_ sit like that in a car, Ryuzaki") and reached the apartment building, L peering out the window in interest.

Light gave the doorman a friendly smile and a wave, fumbled with the lock for a few seconds, and pushed the door to his apartment open. L wheeled his suitcase inside and stopped, looking around. "I did not think it would be quite so…"

"Small?" Light asked, shutting the door.

"Colorful." The apartment was tastefully arranged, the walls different shades of blues and greens.

Light glared at him. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," L murmured, eyes wide and innocent. He placed his suitcase next to a large couch. "What did you think I meant?"

Light took a breath and completely ignored the question. "You can sleep there," he said pointing to the couch, "and the bathroom is there, the kitchen's across the hall—" He cut himself off, bemused, as L strode past him into the kitchen and methodically made his way through the cabinets.

"…Ryuzaki?"

L turned to look at him, horrified. "Where are your sweets?"

Light frowned. "I'm not very fond of desserts, so I don't keep much in the house, but— hey, wait!" Light snatched a bag of sugar out of L's hand. "Dammit, Ryuzaki, don't eat it _raw_; that's disgusting. I'll make a cake or something while you take a shower."

L blinked. "Why—"

"You said you haven't had utilities, and it doesn't take a hair stylist to see that you haven't washed your hair in probably four days. Go," Light commanded, pointing down the hall and rummaging in his pantry for a cookbook. "You can use my soap and stuff until we pick up something for you."

L hesitated, requested vanilla cake, and disappeared into the hall. Light gave a sigh of irritation, put on a magenta apron (it takes a real man to wear pink), and started getting ingredients together, still incredulous that he was actually in this situation.

L couldn't believe that so many hair care products existed. It was like a teenage girl's dream come true: bottles and containers of liquids and foams and powders covering every inch of every available horizontal surface. Amused, he turned the shower on and pulled off his shirt.

Light heard the water turn on and started mixing things together, happy with a bit of silence. A few minutes later, however, the brunette scowled as L began shouting from the bathroom.

"Yagami-kun!"

'_Ignore him… pretend you can't hear him…'_

"Yagami-kuuuun!"

'_Not listening…'_

"Light-kun!"

Snap. "_What?_"

"Come here a minute?"

Angrily, Light slammed down the wooden spoon he was holding, spattering cake batter on the apron and his cheek, and stalked over to the bathroom. He put his ear against the door. "What do you want?"

"Where is Yagami-kun's other shampoo?"

"What are you talking about? The shampoo in there is just fine!"

"It's L'oreal."

"So what? There's L'oreal for men!"

"'Vanilla Scream Smoothie Shampoo for Extra Softness,' Light-kun?" L read off the bottle. "Why would Light-kun use—"

"I have perfectly legitimate reasons for the type of hair care products I use!" Light snapped.

He heard L chuckle lowly, giving in to wicked temptation. "Because you're worth it?"

Light gritted his teeth. "Just wash your damn hair and let me go put the cake in the oven," he spat, accentuating every other word by thudding his palm against the door.

L's reply was quieter; the brunette caught "Light-chan" and bristled, storming back to the kitchen. He tossed the pan full of cake mix into the oven and hit the timer, then poured himself a cup of coffee and started to clean up. Scrubbing almost obsessively, Light didn't notice when the water shut off or when L walked up behind him, giving a stifled yelp when the assassin intoned, "Light-kun." The younger man spun around.

His eyes widened in spite of himself. L was naked but for a towel around his waist, a light sheen of water still on his body and his hair matted down and dripping. His bare torso was the same pale color as the rest of his body, and despite his frail appearance, L was quite toned.

Light gaped for a moment before looking down and frowning. "Ryuzaki, you've gotten the floor all wet," he said irritably, crouching to give the tile a good swipe with a dishtowel. He straightened and crossed the small kitchen to the oven.

"I apologize," L said, not sounding particularly sorry in the least, and hovered behind Light, peering over his shoulder to look at the cake. "Is it almost done?" he asked.

"In about fifteen minutes," Light answered, turning and jerking back. "Personal space, ne?" he said, placing his hands on L's shoulders carefully and moving him back. "I think there are some cookies in pantry—"

He didn't even get to finish his sentence before L had blown past him, locating them immediately and tearing into the package. "The shampoo smells very nice," L commented thickly, a cookie in his mouth. "I was curious as to why Light-kun smelled like he did. It's not a bad smell," he assured Light, who was staring at him. "The vanilla from your women's shampoo mixed with coffee and… apples, strangely enough."

Light scowled. L grinned. "That's a very nice apron, Yagami-kun," L remarked.

Light ripped the garment off and grumbled something under his breath that sounded like "Screw eight generations of your ancestors," and L's grin broadened.

He picked up his cup of coffee just as the oven's timer went off, gave it a couple stirs with a spoon, and took a sip, making a face almost immediately: it'd gone cold. "Ryuzaki?"

"Hmm?"

"Do me a favor and stick this in the microwave for like thirty seconds while I take care of the cake." He handed the cup off to L, who shuffled towards the microwave, and took the cake out of the oven, searching for a can of frosting. He turned to glance at L and let out a yelp, rushing to the microwave and hitting the stop button, then spun around and glared at L, who looked at him innocently, a cookie between his teeth.

"What?"

"You kept the spoon in the cup."

"Yes."

"The _metal_ spoon."

"Yes."

"You put a _metal spoon_ in the _microwave!_"

"…Was that not the right thing to do?"

Light stared at him. "Have you ever used a microwave before?"

"My diet consists primarily of sweets that do not require warming up."

Light blinked, removed the spoon, and warmed up his coffee, then returned to his task of icing the cake while muttering under his breath. He stuck a couple pieces of bread into his toaster as L watched, half of the cookies gone from the package.

Annoyed at having to smack L's hand away from the container of icing every seven seconds, Light sent him to the other side of the kitchen to fetch the toast that had popped up.

L contemplated the bread, too far in the toaster to pry out without burning himself, and decided the most logical thing to do was to use a utensil to assist him, selecting a fork from a drawer and bringing it towards the appliance. To L's surprise, however, it was quickly snatched from his hand by a disbelieving Light.

"How are you not _dead_ yet?" he demanded incredulously, shoving L into a chair. "Just… sit there and for God's sake, don't _touch_ anything."

"But that was not a microwave," L protested, but decided to let it go; bemused, he reached for another cookie only to let out a noise of disappointment.

Light glanced over to see L perched on the chair holding an empty package of cookies and wearing a devastated expression. "Relax, the cake's almost finished," Light assured him with a smirk, finishing the icing with a sweep of a knife. His eyes widened to impossible sizes when L came up behind him and licked the knife clean, looking pleased. Light rolled his eyes and dropped the knife into the sink, muttering about unhygienic maniacs.

Both men glanced up, hearing a key in the lock and then the door crashing open. Light's eyebrows furrowed. The only person who had a key to his apartment was—

"ONII-CHANNN!" came Sayu's enthusiastic voice from the doorway.

'_Omigawd.'_

Light's sister stuck her head into the kitchen and stopped short, taking in the scene: Light preparing a cake for Ryuzaki, who was still only in a towel and looking at her in confusion. The girl's mouth opened and closed.

"Sayu—" Light began quickly, but was cut off.

"Onii-chan…_WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU GOT A BOYFRIEND?_"

'_Shit.'  
_

* * *

Oh, dear. Poor Light. XD  
Leave a review, tell me what you liked!  
~Beta'd by Dlvvanzor~


	7. Take a Shot for You

AN: Um. I realize you all have had to wait a bit longer than usual for an update, and to be honest, I have no spectacular excuse other than I kept rewriting because I wasn't happy with this chapter. For everyone that was hoping for a a spectacular excuse...I spent the last week running from rabid water buffaloes, and you _know_ how difficult it is to write in those kinds of situations. Anyway, it took a heck of a lot to beat the chapter into submission, and I'm_ still_ not 100% pleased, but it's much better than it was at my first draft, which is nice. No one's _too_ terribly upset with me, I hope? ...right? -.-'

**Take a Shot for You**  
**~In which L steals a red sports car~**

"I don't believe you! After I bitched at you for _months_ to go out and find someone, you get a boyfriend and then you don't even think it's a good idea to _tell me?_"

"Sayu—"

"And then you bring him to your home without letting me get a look at him—"

"What? Why would I need your permission—"

"When you could have picked up some serial rapist that's just waiting to get you alone in your house, and here this guy is, already apparently comfortable enough to shower here and walk around in a towel like it's no big deal—"

"Sayu—!"

"Of all the people you choose not to share this big news with—! I'm insulted, Onii-chan. Simply insulted."

"Sayu!"

"And, and, and, _oh!_ I've got to call Misa, you _know_ she's gonna be pissed at you, big brother. She's been trying to set you up every chance she gets—"

"No! Don't call Misa! Sayu—"

"But I think you should have at least—"

"_SAYU!_"

The young woman fell silent and glanced over at Light, who was fuming.

"He's _not_ my boyfriend. He's not even… like… a _friend_ friend."

L looked vaguely insulted.

Sayu raised an eyebrow. "Sure."

Growl.

Smirk.

"He's not!" Light insisted. "You just… managed to walk in at the worst fucking time possible. Here, look." He turned to L. "Do you want to screw me?" he demanded, giving him a look that said, 'Don't you dare say anything stupid.'

L pretended to look surprised. "Why, Yagami-kun, we've only been on one date."

Before Light could close the space between them to choke the life out of L in a fit of rage, Sayu practically shrieked, "You went on a date?"

"It wasn't a date! Sayu, he's not my boyfriend, he's—"

"Actually, I was the one who was originally hired to—" L tried to put in, but was silenced by Light, who clasped a hand over L's mouth.

"Ryuzaki!" he hissed disbelievingly; that L would come out and say he was the one who was going to kill their father… Light yelped suddenly as L bit at his palm.

"What I was _trying_ to say was that Light hired me to catch the person who attacked your father," L said, pulling away from Light.

"Oh… yeah. That's it. He's… yeah," Light murmured lamely, ignoring L's snort of exasperation.

"Oh! Light! That reminds me why I came here in the first place," Sayu said. "We just brought Dad home; he says he wants to see you."

Light's face fell. "Uh… good! That's great. But I don't really…"

"You look less than enthused, Yagami-kun," L put in. "Take an hour or so to visit your father. I'll be fine here."

"You could take the opportunity to tell him about your boyfriend!" Sayu suggested mischievously, grabbing Light's wrist and pulling him towards the door.

A furious cry of "_He's NOT my boyfriend!_" was cut off as Sayu slammed the door, leaving L to attack the cake.

* * *

About an hour later, Light threw the door open and pulled it closed loudly, muttering under his breath and looking distinctly annoyed. He stalked into the kitchen, prepared to find L with a face full of vanilla cake, but the assassin was nowhere to be seen.

…Nor was the cake. What the hell? Light stared at the empty cake plate and messy kitchen, unable to believe that L had devoured the entire dessert in under an hour. Assuming that L was lying somewhere in the house in a diabetic coma, Light made his way to the living room.

Surprisingly, L was sitting on the couch, seemingly fine, arguing on his cell phone. The voice on the other line was getting louder and louder until L interrupted calmly, "I'm sorry that you are inconvenienced, Higuchi, but I cannot help you." The voice responded sharply and apparently hung up. He flipped the phone shut. "Well, _that_ was very immature," he murmured, then caught sight of Light, who was looking fairly confused.

"I am in need of your vehicle," L said simply, standing up and stretching.

"Thanks for the warm welcome," he replied sourly. "Not to mention, you left your dirty dishes all over the kitchen and you managed to get frosting on the floor and the _walls_. I hope you're not expecting me to clean up your mess."

"Yagami-kun," L said, as though Light hadn't heard him quite well, "I am in need of your vehicle."

Light looked at him, something strange and somehow frightening as hell flashing in his eyes.

"I just spent the last hour comforting my mother and being lectured at by my father, who, despite having been admitted out of the hospital just this morning after being in critical condition, felt it necessary to chastise me about my career choice."

"Um—"

"_AND_, Sayu managed to incorporate gay sexual innuendo into almost every sentence, because she's trying to make me come out of the closet to my father, which, as you can imagine, would have made the situation even more awkward than it already was."

"Yagami-kun—"

"So the last thing I need when I get home is to find the kitchen looking like a… a _frosting gremlin_ tore that shit up and you asking me to use my car for reasons I don't even know!"

"Frosting gremlin?" L inquired.

Light quite literally _snarled_ at him, turning on his heel and stalking into the kitchen. When L tried to follow him, Light shrieked at him to "_GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY KITCHEN!_" and he decided to take cover on the couch, musing that Light was acting like an angry wife (but figured he'd probably rip L's head off if he told him).

Some time later, Light reentered the living room, appearing much calmer than before, but L was damned if he would let down his guard; after all, L had simply asked to borrow the car when Light had flipped out.

"So," Light said brusquely, "where do you need to go?"

L stared at him. Bipolar disorder, maybe? He wasn't sure, but was pretty positive he didn't want to know. "My apartment. If you could just give me the keys—"

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not leaving you with my car. I'm driving."

L shook his head firmly. "You will be safer if you remain here."

"What are you talking about?"

"The man on the phone was one of my previous clients, Higuchi. He is under suspicion of the murder I committed for him, and he is a bit… upset. He wants his money back. I told him no. Unsurprisingly, he is angry, and informed me he'd be sending some 'friends' to discuss things with me. There is a possibility he may be able to find me, and I would feel better if I had the entirety of my weapons, which are back at my apartment. I require your keys."

"Ryuzaki—"

"I will assume that you are going to argue. I will argue back, you will get pissed off and possibly throw something at me, I will suggest that you may accompany me, but that I drive, and you will say…?" L looked at Light inquisitively.

Light rolled his eyes. "I'll say, 'Sure, but you have to put on heavier clothes because it's freezing outside.' You'll refuse. We'll leave."

"I suggest we 'cut to the chase,' as it were, and simply go," L said, the corner of his mouth lifting slightly.

Light tossed him the keys.

* * *

After loading, in Light's opinion, _far_ too many bags of guns, explosives, poisons, and various other death devices into the car, they started back towards Light's apartment.

Trying to ignore Light's detailed explanation of his visit with his father while trying to seem like he was paying attention (it appeared to work, because Light didn't even seem to stop talking long enough to _breathe_), L glanced into the rearview mirror and frowned, turning off into a less crowded street.

"What're you doing?" Light asked. "My house is—"

"Quiet a moment, Yagami-kun," L said, watching the rearview mirror and waiting… there. L turned sharply into an empty construction site, knocking over several orange cones.

"Ryuzaki!"

"We are being followed."

Light twisted in his seat. "A black Sedan? Isn't that a bit cliché?"

"You don't sound particularly alarmed."

"Neither do you."

"I'm not particularly emotional in general."

Light couldn't deny that. "Why exactly are we trespassing on a construction site?"

"The less fatalities, the better, right?" Before Light could demand what he meant by that, a bullet struck the bumper of the car. "Get down," he ordered, more bullets striking the car and putting holes in the windshield. Light ducked.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"We are being shot at. That is the extent of my knowledge."

"I know _that_, you ass. Why—?" Light's question was cut off as something sailed over the car –_was that a fucking grenade?_ – and exploded in front of them –_yes, I suppose it was_– and knocked the car onto its side, which skidded to a stop and sent sparks flying before righting itself, half the door torn off.

L checked himself over rather calmly, pleased to find he'd suffered no major injuries, and glanced over at Light, who was understandably a bit freaked out.

"Holy _shit_, I'm dead, I'm dead, I've died, I'm dead, I—"

"You are decidedly alive, Yagami-kun," L informed him, reaching into the back and hauling a duffle bag up. "Get out of the car."

"Say the fuck _what?_"

Instead of answering, L braced himself and shoved the door open, darting around behind the car with the bag. The Sedan came to a stop about fifty yards away and continued to fire at them.

"Yagami-kun, get out of the car," L called out.

"They'll shoot me!" Light said incredulously. "Are you insane?"

"They're already shooting at you," L pointed out, still calm. "If they keep firing at the engine, the car's going to explode whether you are in it or not."

No response.

"Yagami-kun?"

A pause, then an angry "_Shit!_" before Light stumbled out of the car and practically tripped over L, who grabbed his wrist and pulled him down.

"Nice of you to join me."

"_Do_ something!" Light demanded, panicked.

L reached into the bag and grabbed a rather large gun, peeked above the car, and fired at the Sedan. "We have the upper hand," he told Light, who was on the verge of a panic attack. "Higuchi wants me alive so he can get his money back, but I have no qualms about killing him."

"Um," Light managed, flinching every time a bullet struck the car.

"You're handling this quite well," L remarked.

Light found his voice. "If I die, I'm coming back and haunting you for the rest of your days. You'll never have a moment's peace."

"That's nice," L murmured distractedly, concentrating on firing with one hand and reaching back into the duffle with the other. He tossed Light a small object from the bag before pulling out (to Light's disbelief) an even bigger gun. Light caught it, startled.

"Pull the pin, count to five, and throw it at the Sedan," L instructed, loading the gun busily.

"Wait, what?"

"Please hurry, Yagami-kun."

Flustered, Light yanked the pin out and paused. "How long did you say to—"

L plucked the grenade from Light's hands and threw it as hard as he could. A satisfying explosion shook the ground, and L turned to give Light a level stare.

"Don't look at me like that!" Light defended. "You nearly killed yourself twice today with a lack of appliance experience."

L had to restrain himself from rolling his eyes. "Right. I apologize for my hypocrisy."

Finger flip.

L glanced over the top of the car and blinked. "We need to move on quickly." He grabbed Light's wrist and pulled him up to stand, leading the way out of the construction site.

Light glanced back to see multiple shards of metal, scraps of upholstery, and… body parts. Eugh. Everything that had happened caught up with him, and Light began to shake. "Ryuzaki, I don't know whether to thank you for getting us out of that or to _kill_ you for getting us into it in the first place. I think I'm scarred for life."

"And the fun's only getting started!" L said brightly. Light glared at L, whose expression softened. "Light-kun," he said gently, "you need to hold yourself together for a bit longer."

Light nodded wordlessly, taking a few deep breaths. What was a couple hundred dollars more in therapy bills? They reached the main street, and L reached into his pocket and pulled out a cell phone, punched in a number, and held it to his ear between his thumb and forefinger as they continued to walk.

"…B? It's me." Light glanced over at him. Did no one have a proper name anymore? "I want to play a game." Laughter on the other line. "Hide and seek. You and me against Higuchi's men. Do you remember him?" More laughter, and a quiet response. "That's disgusting. Just get rid of them, you don't need to—" The voice on the other end interrupted, sounding petulant. "I said _no_." An angry response. "What if we made it interesting?" A pause. "I believe there are about ten men still out there. Whoever bags the most—" An excited interruption. L frowned. "No." An irritated response. "…_fine_. I'll meet up with you in a few days."

"Who was that?" Light asked as L flipped the phone shut.

L looked thoughtful. "…An associate. You may meet him later." As they walked, L brushed against a man in a business suit walking the other way. "Of course, I'm not about to lose to him. I think I know where the rest of them will be. We just need to get there…" He held up a set of keys and pressed a panic button on the car key. A red sports car's siren started, and L's eyes lit up.

"Wha— you're going to steal a car?"

L ignored him, turning the siren off and unlocking the car. "Get in."

"No! I'm done with this! I'm only with you so you can help me with my father; I'm not running around to help you _kill_ people, Ryuzaki! I'm going home."

"Higuchi's men know you were with me. They'll come after you."

"I'll go to the police."

L raised an eyebrow. "You will live much longer if you accompany me."

"I'm going home. I'll leave your bag outside the building. Don't you dare come back to my apartment." Light turned, intent on going home on foot.

L frowned and dug something from his pocket, following behind him.

Light felt a sharp pinch at his neck. "What the fuck?"

L calmly pulled the needle from Light's neck. "I apologize. I did try to reason with you."

"You _drugged_ me?"

"It will take full effect in approximately fifteen seconds, and you will remain unconscious for about three hours. Like I said, your chances of survival are much higher with me. Plus, it will be easier with you asleep, for sheer lack of grenade mishaps." L looked apologetic.

Light looked furious, even as his vision swam. "I'll fucking kill you."

"You have my full permission to yell at me once you awaken," L promised, leading Light to the car to get him in the back seat before he lost consciousness.

Light passed out.

* * *

Reviews are greatly appreciated and always answered.  
Over 9000 (overused joke is overused) thankyous to Dlvvanzor, who beta'd this -and every other- chapter.


	8. Forget the Reasons

Look! *points proudly* It's an update, just for you. This installment is brought to you by Insomnia. Like, about a week of it. *twitches* I need some sleep.

**Forget the Reasons**  
**~In which we finally see some progress, for the love of all that is holy~**

L was worried.

"Yagami-kun?"

Silence.

The drug L injected into Light's system should have worn off more than an hour ago. "Yagami-kun, you have been asleep far too long," he muttered accusingly, as though he had nothing to do with Light's state of unconsciousness. "Wake up…wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake—"

Light muttered incomprehensibly and buried his face into the pillow beneath him.

About three hours ago, L had brought him back to the apartment and carried him to his room and placed him in bed. He sat next to Light, knees pulled to his chest, and waited.

And waited.

"Are you still asleep?"

"_No…_"

L blinked and peered at him. "Yes, you are."

Light murmured something and gripped the sheets.

"You are definitely asleep."

"No, I'm_ not_," Light said indignantly, and raised his head to look at L and prove he was awake, except that he obviously _wasn't_ because his eyes were still closed.

L was more or less panicked because, really, the drug wasn't supposed to have any strange side effects, so he snapped his fingers in front of Light's face and told him quite loudly to "WAKE UP," at which point Light startled awake.

"What the fuck?" Light sat up quickly, putting his face in his hands at a sudden onslaught of dizziness. Glancing around blearily, he vaguely realized he was in his own bed. "What the fuck happened…?"

Sitting on the bed to the left of him, L had his knees pulled to his chest and was staring at him. "I was beginning to think you'd never wake up," he accused him again. "I lost the contest, if you wanted to know. B managed to get there before me, so he had a head start, even though he took far too much time with his killing. He's got a morbid fascination with blood, but…" L waved a hand carelessly. "I suppose he's just—"

"You drugged me," Light said, disoriented.

"You snore, did you know that?" L remarked. "Not loudly, of course, but all the same—"

"You _drugged _me!"

L blinked at him. "We have established this. I did not want to, but you weren't cooperating. You won't suffer any lasting effects, I assure you."

"I'll kill you!"

"No you won't," L said casually, but got off the bed nonetheless.

Light made to get up and use the nearest object to beat L senseless, but his body apparently wasn't too fond of that idea; his arms and legs buckled and he collapsed heavily back onto the bed.

"It will take a few minutes for you to get your strength back," L said helpfully. Light scowled at him.

"If you don't _get out of my house_ in the next ten seconds, I'm going to—"

Before Light could finish what promised to be a violent and painful threat, L put in, "I've been doing some investigating, and I've been able to narrow down where we're likely to find the people who shot your father."

The intensity of Light's glare dropped a few degrees. "Really?"

L almost smiled. "Am I forgiven?"

"Don't push your luck."

"Am I permitted to stay?" he bargained.

Light made his way to the side of the bed, feet hanging off the side. "I suppose," he granted. He took a deep breath and hopped off the edge, sticking the landing like a fucking Olympic champion.

...Which is to say he lost his balance immediately and found the ground rushing up to meet his face at an alarming rate. The impact he braced for never came. Light opened his eyes carefully to see L gripping his arm with an exasperated expression.

"I told you it would take a few minutes."

"Sorry," Light muttered, wincing as a pins-and-needles feeling spread throughout his limbs.

"Why are you apologizing? I'm the one that drugged you," L reminded him, amused.

"Sorry," Light said automatically, then rolled his eyes when L gave a quiet laugh. "Fuck you."

"Hm, you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Light did a double take. "_What?_"

L grinned and left the room, heading down the hall, leaving Light to mutter various insults under his breath and follow behind him. "Your sister called while you were sleeping."

"While I was in a forced state of unconsciousness, you mean."

"She told me to tell you 'get over yourself and get down with Ryuzaki, because you aren't getting any younger.' Not my words, but I certainly won't say no to—"

"Don't even think about finishing that sentence. Ever."

L smirked.

Light stole a glance at the clock as they entered the kitchen. "It's past six!"

"You were asleep for longer than intended," L admitted. "Also, you're out of sugar," he said guiltily, glancing at the empty bag of sugar on the counter with a spoon sticking out of it.

"I told you not to eat it raw," Light said, disgusted. "Why don't we grab some dinner while you fill me in on what you found out?" Now steady on his feet, Light picked up his jacket from the back of a chair and shrugged it on before fixing L with a withering stare. "Mention the word 'date,' and I'll smack you into next week."

"Understood," L replied, obviously trying not to laugh. He ducked into the living room to grab his own jacket and a pair of shoes from his suitcase and put both on. At Light's incredulous look, he said, "I do wear shoes when I need to. And I'm not stupid; it's freezing out there." He shook the sleeve of his jacket for emphasis.

Light couldn't help but grin.

* * *

They ended up waiting in a line that snaked out the door and down the street, much to Light's irritation, but L had insisted it had the best pineapple upside-down cake around, disregarding the fact that Light didn't care for sweets.

Miserably cold, Light pulled his jacket tighter around himself and shook violently. To his surprise, L shrugged off his own jacket and put it over Light's shoulders, then pulled Light in and put his arms around him. Not stupid enough to argue, Light flashed him a grateful smile as his shivers subsided. "Don't get any ideas."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

The line crawled forward slowly and Light let his eyes wander, watching the passers-by with a bored expression before suddenly yelping. He spun around burying his face into L's shirt.

"Light-kun?"

"Shhh!" Light hissed. "Don't—"

"Light? Light Yagami, is that you?" someone shouted.

Light groaned and turned, smiling weakly. "Hey, Saburo…"

"Who's that?" L asked as a young man with short black hair in a big coat walked over to them.

"Ex-boyfriend," Light murmured. He could have sworn he saw L's eyes narrow, and he wrapped his arms tighter around Light, who frowned. "Ryuzaki, let go."

"It's been so long! How have you been? And who's this?" Saburo asked with a smile.

"I know, I've been pretty busy. This is Ryuzaki…"

"I am Light-kun's boyfriend," L interjected.

"Huh?" Light and Saburo said simultaneously. "Ryuzaki, let _go_," Light demanded, struggling. "Saburo, he's just—"

"It's our turn," L interrupted, gesturing at the restaurant door, and ushered Light inside. "Sorry you can't join us, I'll make sure Light calls you another time, great to meet you."

"You ass," Light hissed once they sat down at a booth. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"You seemed distressed when you saw him; I was only looking after your best interests," L replied, picking up a menu.

"You can't just tell people you're my boyfriend, idiot!" He smacked L with his own menu.

"Why not?"

Light gave him a scowl and smacked him again. "Because you're not!"

"Technicalities," L said with a shrug, ducking when Light made to hit him again.

Light scowled, tossed the menu onto the table and slid out of the booth. "That's it. I'm going home. Have fun walking back to the apartment," he muttered, heading towards the exit. L just rolled his eyes and grabbed his wrist as he walked by, pulling Light onto the booth next to him.

"Let go of me, Ryuzaki," Light said warningly, trying to yank his arm away and giving a noise of indignation when L nearly pulled Light into his lap.

"Do you really want to make a scene?" L asked, amused.

Light hesitated and glanced around the restaurant, realizing people had begun to stare, and slumped against him. "No."

"Alright, then. About this boyfriend issue. This is our second date," L said, clasping a hand over Light's mouth as he protested the word 'date.' "And we currently live together. Many people would consider this fine evidence."

Light pried L's hand away. "Except for the fact that I hate you. Now let go of me before I start screaming 'rape.'"

L grinned. "It's not rape if you— _ow!_" L rubbed his cheek gingerly where Light had smacked him.

"Serves you right," Light said irritably, returning to his seat. The woman in the booth across from them was staring at Light strangely. "What are you looking at?" he nearly shouted, glaring at L when she turned away in alarm.

By some miracle, they managed to place their order without any snarky comments being exchanged. Light was watching L stack sugar cubes; he had a tower about a foot above the table, and Light was finally getting comfortable, resigned to the other customers in the restaurant sending them frequent glances. "It's going to fall soon."

"No, it won't," L murmured.

"I'm pretty sure it will."

"Light-kun sees the glass as half empty."

"No, I'm just being realistic. Look, it's wobbling."

"You are being pessimistic," L argued, plucking another cube from the bowl and placing it on the top of the tower. All at once, the structure gave a great tremble and collapsed. L looked at the scattered sugar cubes with a dismayed expression before glancing up at Light, who was smirking.

"I don't want to say 'I told you so,' but—"

"Then I am certain you can refrain from doing so," L said sourly.

Light grinned. L looked considerably happier when dinner showed up- or, rather, when Light's dinner and L's dessert showed up.

Light shook his head incredulously. "Three slices of pineapple upside-down cake."

L plunged his fork into a piece. "Would you like a bite?"

"No."

L shrugged. "You know," he said between mouthfuls of cake, "we will be able to move into my apartment tomorrow."

"Good. Maybe finally we can make some progress," Light said.

"Ah, that reminds me. While you were…unconscious," L began, "I managed to narrow down where we will be able to find your father's attackers." L launched into an explanation of his research, and the remainder of the dinner went relatively calmly.

Heading out of the restaurant, Light thanked L for paying, and they walked down the street towards Light's car. "It took a while to get in but the food was pretty good; we should come back again sometime."

"Future date plans, Light-kun?" L asked with a smirk.

Light opened his mouth to retaliate, but paused. "…Yeah."

L blinked. "Seriously?"

Light rolled his eyes. "Yes."

There was a beat's pause, and then L began tentatively, "So…does that—"

"Please don't ruin this by saying something stupid," Light interrupted, then faced L fully, grabbed the front of his jacket, and yanked him forward, crashing their lips together. L's eyes widened, his arms hanging sort of pathetically at his sides before he slowly brought his hands up to knot in Light's hair and pulled him closer.

It wasn't perfect; there were no fireworks and angelic music. It was a clumsy, almost awkward kiss and when they finally pulled apart, both were breathing heavily.

"…"

"…"

"Home," L forced out, grabbing Light by the wrist. "We have about three days of sexual tension to work out."

"Says you," Light scoffed.

L gave him a level stare.

"…Yeah, okay. Home."

* * *

Okay, question time. Who's hoping for a lemon? I'm going to give it my best damn try, but if it sucks, I'm not posting it. Opinions?  
Thank you for reading.


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